It’s been months since I published anything. I’ve written a lot of little bits here and tweeted there. But I just have had no inspiration to push something into the digital well for others to scoop up in a bucket, large or small and drink. Things are very different now. I’m tired, aching and a little sad. So, what is there better to do than write in your publicly accessible diary?
I could talk tech: I got a thunderbolt hub and had to replace an external drive recently. Can’t lose the ability to backup. Waiting for 2TB SSDs to drop to ~$300 (probably in ~18–24 months if I had to guess). Diskwarrior saved the backups.
I could talk friends: I got called out for the second time. My behavior has come off as hostile. So, it went into the machine and the answer has come out. I’m off balance, so I needed to modify the core. I’ve had help. While things are darker there’s been a few things to lift my spirits. A movie, a candid pictures, a few catchup talks with friends, and a few comedy shows—3 this year.
But the real impetus for this was being called out for being hostile literally minutes after I left Jen Kirkman’s show where in one story, she reveals that she’s not hostile. I identified with that and the devil story so much. I’ve never done exactly what she did, but I have confronted people with the same level of force. (I’m not going to say what those stories are about so Canadians going to her book tour show won’t have any spoilers. All I’ll say is if you feel you don’t fit in, or appreciate insights in the psyche, go.)
I got this text while in line. It rattled me. By the time I got up to get my book signed, I had forgotten to prime the paint pen, and I was rattled. I wanted to tell her how much I enjoyed the show, and how often I’ve thought along the lines she has in those stories, but my brain decided not to bug her because the impact of the text was setting in and from her perspective it might’ve come off bad—at least in my mental frame that’s what my mind imagined.
I was on the verge of just walking away when I got to the front of the line. Jen was sweet and warm, and her voice was filled with love for her fans. I would have gotten a picture with her like everyone, but I just wanted to go. Luckily the urge to get the book signed was greater. I was 3/4 of the way through & thoroughly enjoying it.
She liked on my phone mount & all I could do was imitate Gir and say, “I made it myself.” Had I been in a normal state, I probably would have said it like him, but I wouldn’t know if she got the reference and pitching up my voice to Gir’s childlike frequency would’ve seemed very strange if she’d never seen Invader Zim. “Tacos!”
She signed the inside cover of my book “It’s better in here!”—the paint pen was meant for the cover. Looking at it, actually makes me chuckle still. But at the time I was pulling inward. Luckily that joke landed in a good place. I said thank you & left quickly—full speed.
I had to find out what the problem was—the text was vague, but ominous. So, not even 10 steps outside the venue, I pulled the phone off my wrist & made a call to find out what was wrong. I was luck I decided to do this when I did. the uplift I’d gotten from the show was enough to handle this problem in the most positive way. I knew that, so I tackled it head on.
I opened with, is the problem [this], [this] or [this]? It was none of them. It was the perception that I was being hostile. I felt bad, and explained I didn’t mean anything truly hostile, that it was just my nature to speak frankly, and in the few cases where I was actually upset—as opposed to upset at losing a video game—I didn’t realize my bombastic delivery was having a much larger effect. Had I run my communications through my training I would have realized that the receiver was not used to this level of emotion. To me it was a level 3, but to the receiver it was amplified by a factor of 3. So, I realized my error. I apologized profusely & I explained that I was not truly angry in most cases and only actually bothered in 1 or 2 cases.
I would go into more detail, but my associates don’t deserve being named in cases of conflict or airing any of their dirty laundry. I’ll just admit to mine and STFU about who they are and the exact circumstances. Even the good things I cannot share because there’s too many breadcrumbs out. It’d be obvious to anyone like me that did any digging. It might be discoverable to people that know me, so I refrain.
So this is the status. The structure needs some balance. The core needs to regain its flexibility. So, in order to do that, I must branch out once again and point myself upward and outward. I need to generate my own energy and twist this tide from dread to hope. Going to more comedy shows again & meeting cool people is a way to bootstrap everything. And yes, this is just one example of the outward twist of light. But opening the curtain & pulling the levers is tiring to a INTJ* type. So, instead of pushing out another idea article, I will push this, armor up and rest now. I need to disconnect for a bit—Recharge a bit and enter sleep.
(*I just hit control-a while highlighting this & found out there’s less than 1 in 20 with this facet set… it kinda explains the not fitting in part…fun•dun.)
Thank you for reading.